I am not good at writing posts when I am discouraged. I’m terrible at feigning enthusiasm, and there have been several posts I’ve written over the past couple of months that I abandoned halfway through, with the thought “what’s the point?”. I tried to write another one tonight, and it met the same fate. I just can’t pretend. I can try to, but it never, ever works. Maybe it’s just a peculiarity of my background or personality.
I keep coming back to one thought: why am I doing this? I’ve said before: I don’t know. I live in a city in Texas that has very few Japanese people, I am uninterested for the most part in nearly all Japanese media, I have little to no interest in going to Japan, and the best answer I can give myself is “because I can”. That’s a perfectly legitimate reason, but it doesn’t, in my mind, justify the amount of time and money I’ve spent in a pursuit that has no purpose. And yet I continue to do it, and I don’t know why.
Just like I don’t know why I blog here. I think it’s partly because I want to help others who might be intimidated by the whole thing – no matter what my motivation, I’ve learned a few useful things over the past couple of years, and I think I have a few interesting things to share (that not even my native teacher knows!). But I think it’s partly because I just want to convince myself that there’s a purpose for my studies. It’s not working.
And it’s compounded by the fact that I am currently taking a medicine whose primary effect seems to be to make me care less. In some ways that’s a very welcome thing, but it’s not very helpful when I am trying to convince myself to study in the evening and can’t even come up with one good reason to do it except that I committed to it for some unknown reason at some point in the past. In fact, it is one of the few things I’ve managed to even remotely stick with – I don’t even practice piano as much as I do study Japanese vocabulary.
Maybe I understand myself even less than I do others.
And yet, tonight, I will study some more. Why? It’s a complete mystery to me. I wish I had a reason.