I find myself in the unusual position of not knowing what to write about.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can find plenty of things to write about, on one level. I have several topics that I could write on. In fact, I just discarded a post that I thought might be a bit too… revealing? I dunno. But on another level, why bother writing about any of them? It’s not like I’m doing anything but splattering words randomly over a post, thinking that maybe someone might find them interesting, and mostly being wrong anyway. Very little I write is really worth reading, and while I know a few people do, that thought is borne out by the utterly abysmal stats that my blog sees every day. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about that. It’s warranted. I really do write pablum that only really interests me, what do I expect, really?
I suppose I could take some courses on writing more effectively. I’ve been resisting that, mostly because while you can fix form, you can’t really fix content, and writing my content with better form is like putting perfume on dog shit, or lipstick on a pig. It’ll be prettier and more engaging and easier to read, and still crap.
This is because of the general disorganization and unhealthiness of my mind. You can’t fix stupid, and you can’t hide this.
What do I do? I don’t know. I really, seriously, don’t know. I need to write, it’s kind of in my genes for some reason, but writing like this has never been productive, and yet I do it anyway, knowing full well the general lack of quality of what I’m producing. I’ve flailed around trying to find a better direction for this blog, and I’ve failed each time, because I know, deep down, that right now I can’t make it anything else. I can’t make an organized mind out of disorganization. I can’t make a healthy mind out of unhealthiness. My blog is what it is, not because of my desire, but because of my compulsions. I can’t turn it into anything else. Even though I absolutely should. This is why my previous blogs have failed, and why this one is failing in its own way. Because I can’t fix this. I can reset it and try for something different, as I have with several blogs in the past, but it’ll always end up like this in the end. The problem is with me.
No announcements here. No new direction. No turning over a new leaf. Just resignation. This is going to be what it’s going to be, and right now, I’m powerless to do anything different.