This blog is nearly six years old now.
And tonight I came very close to shutting it down. I’ve talked about doing that before, and I talked myself out of it, and the primary reason is, I’d just end up spinning another one up anyway. I can’t stop writing. I’ve never been able to stop writing.
I started learning Japanese in 2018. The first post here is March, 2018. It is almost March, 2024. I started learning Japanese at around the time (give or take) that I started this blog, and let’s be honest, I still suck at it. I should be nearly fluent by now if I’d worked hard enough at it, and, well, clearly I didn’t. I’m better at it than I was, for sure, and I know quite a bit more than the average weeb or otaku (who doesn’t), but at the end of the day, I suck. And I’m probably not getting any better.
But this blog has turned out to be an abject failure in every measure but one: It gives me a place to write when I need to write something.
And for that, I think I’m keeping it up, for now.
My feelings on Japan and its culture have changed quite a bit since I started this blog. When I started, I never would have considered myself to be a weeb, but in many ways I wasn’t really distinguishable from one. I had an enthusiasm for all things Japanese that my language skills or anything else about me couldn’t live up to, and I embarassed myself in many and sundry different ways. Now I have a much more mature view of Japan and its culture, and I still embarrass myself in many and sundry different ways, just better educated about it. I’ve grown to love some anime, and grown to absolutely loathe the western anime community. I have a huge collection of manga that I can’t read yet. All of my attempts to interact with Japanese people have utterly failed. It’s been six years. I… have wasted my time. I have utterly wasted my time.
And yet, I still do my wanikani exercises every night, and I still want to learn more about it. I don’t know why. It’s a waste of time. Everything about this is a waste of time. Posting here, learning Japanese, trying to talk to anyone, much less Japanese people… it’s all a waste.
And still I do it.
Why?
Because I must do it.
I have no better answer than that.
I have better things to do. But sometimes I have to write. And, I guess… that’s what this blog is and always will be.
Not having an audience is a mixed bag. At the end of day, no one can get offended by what they don’t read. So, paradoxically, I have much more freedom than someone with a high-traffic, well-read blog. And, well… maybe I should start taking advantage of that.