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This blog is nearly six years old now.

And tonight I came very close to shutting it down.  I’ve talked about doing that before, and I talked myself out of it, and the primary reason is, I’d just end up spinning another one up anyway.  I can’t stop writing.  I’ve never been able to stop writing.

I started learning Japanese in 2018.  The first post here is March, 2018.  It is almost March, 2024.  I started learning Japanese at around the time (give or take) that I started this blog, and let’s be honest, I still suck at it.  I should be nearly fluent by now if I’d worked hard enough at it, and, well, clearly I didn’t.  I’m better at it than I was, for sure, and I know quite a bit more than the average weeb or otaku (who doesn’t), but at the end of the day, I suck.  And I’m probably not getting any better.

But this blog has turned out to be an abject failure in every measure but one:  It gives me a place to write when I need to write something.

And for that, I think I’m keeping it up, for now.

My feelings on Japan and its culture have changed quite a bit since I started this blog.  When I started, I never would have considered myself to be a weeb, but in many ways I wasn’t really distinguishable from one.  I had an enthusiasm for all things Japanese that my language skills or anything else about me couldn’t live up to, and I embarassed myself in many and sundry different ways.  Now I have a much more mature view of Japan and its culture, and I still embarrass myself in many and sundry different ways, just better educated about it.  I’ve grown to love some anime, and grown to absolutely loathe the western anime community.  I have a huge collection of manga that I can’t read yet.  All of my attempts to interact with Japanese people have utterly failed.  It’s been six years.  I…  have wasted my time.  I have utterly wasted my time.

And yet, I still do my wanikani exercises every night, and I still want to learn more about it.  I don’t know why.  It’s a waste of time.  Everything about this is a waste of time.  Posting here, learning Japanese, trying to talk to anyone, much less Japanese people… it’s all a waste.

And still I do it.


Because I must do it.

I have no better answer than that.

I have better things to do.  But sometimes I have to write.  And, I guess… that’s what this blog is and always will be.

Not having an audience is a mixed bag.  At the end of day, no one can get offended by what they don’t read.  So, paradoxically, I have much more freedom than someone with a high-traffic, well-read blog.  And, well… maybe I should start taking advantage of that.

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